Sometimes, I just miss that boy

December 24, 2011 - Leave a Response

The one who held my hand when we were walking down the street, whose arms I laid in and never wanted
 to leave. The one who I talked to for hours and told pointless stories to. The one who knew everything about me and liked me 
anyway. The one who knew exactly what I was saying even if I didn’t and helped me when I had no clue what to do. The one
 who showed me what love was and what it was like to need someone there. The one who could only make me cry and hurt me like no other 
guy could. The one who wished on shooting stars with me and called me stupid names. The one who fought so hard to let go of me, but couldn’t. Those eyes that said everything,that sense of sarcasm that was always there; the way even he couldn’t stop from falling in love. That even though we fought constantly and couldn’t stand each other, we couldn’t leave each other’s side. Something is still there; something that never left me the day that boy broke my heart in two. Something like your first love that wasn’t ready to end. Something 
that makes your stomach flip at the brush of a hand or arm. Something that makes it so much harder to know that he’s not yours anymore. Something that makes you want to hide away and cry all those tears, because suddenly all of those memories come back and it almost hurts worse to know that it’s all out of control. And you just miss everything about that boy that isn’t ever coming back.

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Let go

November 27, 2011 - Leave a Response

1Your Best Friend
2Your Crush
3Your parents
4Your sibling (or closest relative)
5Your dreams
6Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love
7Someone who always makes you happy
8Someone you wish you could meet
9Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

10The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
11Someone you wish could forgive you

12Someone you’ve drifted away from

13The person you miss the most

14Someone from your childhood

15The one that broke your heart the hardest
16 Yourself at 13
17Someone that pesters your mind – Good or bad
18Someone you want to give a second chance to
19 The last person you kissed
20The last person you made a pinky promise to
21 — Someone that changed your life

To my dearest friend,

Technically, not a pinky promise, but close enough.

Okay, let’s be honest. We’ve both been making a lot of bad mistakes in the past couple years. But your most recent endeavor has gotten me thinking, a lot. I know that I’ve supported you through it all because I get how you feel and how it is hard to control your feelings, but I think it’s crossed a line where I am no longer able to support your actions.

That’s not really how it sounds. I will stand by you no matter what. But just know that this has been tough on me because I know what you’re doing is so wrong, yet I watch you keep on doing it. It didn’t bother me that much at first, but now it really does. After tonight, I hope that it is all over and that it can only get better from here, but please, please, please. Learn from this. Think hard about it. Every single bit of it.

You are a beautiful girl and you deserve to be someone’s number one. You need to regain your self-respect. Don’t let a boy use you like that. It’s not right and it never will be. I’m sorry to be so harsh but it’s making me so frustrated to stand by and watch because I know this is your mistake to make and your lesson to be learned, and it’s time to stop. This giant mess is just a repeat of all the problems of the past. Making similar mistakes twice and going through a whole different lying ordeal is not okay with me.

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.”

I love you and will be here always. But please, for me and you both, let’s let go of the past and continue on with our lives. There are so many better things out there. There is no need to hurt yourself by holding onto people who no longer put in the effort to let you know that they care about you. I write this for you as much as I write it for me. We struggle so much in our lives, yet we should be striving for something simpler. Something more peaceful.

I promise that we’ll get there, together, one day. Have a little faith in yourself, prove everyone else wrong, and most importantly, become someone that you can be proud of.

One day at a time

November 4, 2011 - Leave a Response

Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

Maybe I just realized it’s not worthwhile, because really,
after you put your entire heart and soul into something and you get absolutely nothing back, yeah it’s frustrating. Eventually you come to terms with the fact that
he wasn’t what you thought he was at all. He wasn’t close to the boy you summed him up to be,
and really, he wasn’t worth it one bit.

Because I miss you, when something really good happens, you’re the first one I want to share it with.
Because I miss you when something is troubling me, you’re the only one who would’ve understand.
Because I miss you, when I laugh and cry, you’re the only one who could make me laugh harder and make my tears dissapear. I don’t know where we went and why we grew apart, but you should know, I miss you.

Out of all the things I could do with you, I look forward to sleeping with you the most. Not having sex, but more than that – just sleeping in the same bed, you holding me in your arms and me falling asleep on your chest and waking up with you right next to me. That’s what I want. That’s what I look forward to.

You don’t get to choose, you just fall in love. And you get this person who is all wrong and all right at the same time. And you know that you love them so much except sometimes they just drive you completely insane and no one can explain it and the reason its so confusing is because its love. But if love didn’t have any challenges, what would be the point?

Cute guys are amazing. Not the super sexy guys, who are
too shallow even for themselves.
But the ones who are sort of
clumsy, and dorky at times.
Who are always sorta sweet.
They are the ones worth keeping.

You were always being inconsistent. Doing things and then saying you’re sorry about it. Beating my heart talking about your sorry…I loved you on purpose. I was open on purpose. I’m not even sorry about you being sorry. You can take all your guilt and do whatever you want with it. Just don’t give it to me, I can’t use another sorry. At least next time, admit it.

I think life isn’t as complicated as we make it out to be. We are constantly looking for answers. But there are no answers, things just happen. The good and the bad. To see the rainbow you’ve got to put up with the rain. It happens, and there is nothing we can do about it. The universe isn’t made up of questions, waiting for us to answer.

“The worst thing about endings is knowing that just ahead is the daunting task of starting over.”
Jodi Picoult, Keeping Faith

I wish you all the best

October 26, 2011 - Leave a Response

As you know, I’m not good at goodbyes. But I guess that’s what this is, a real one this time, because as much as I thought I wanted us to be together, what I want more is to be one of those people who lives every moment of his life without indecision and without regrets, someone who dares to disturb the universe without a thought to the consequences, and you’re not one of those people, at least not yet. Maybe you’ll prove me wrong about that one day, I hope you do, but who knows? Maybe people can’t change. Maybe we’re doomed to repeat the same mistakes over & over again, no matter how hard we try. I always hope for a happy ending, how crazy is that? Take care of yourself.

Humor me

July 17, 2011 - Leave a Response

Take my hand

July 12, 2011 - Leave a Response

1Your Best Friend
2Your Crush
3Your parents
4Your sibling (or closest relative)
5Your dreams
6Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love
7Someone who always makes you happy
8Someone you wish you could meet
9Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

10The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
11Someone you wish could forgive you

12Someone you’ve drifted away from

13The person you miss the most

14Someone from your childhood

15The one that broke your heart the hardest
16 Yourself at 13
17Someone that pesters your mind – Good or bad
18Someone you want to give a second chance to
19 The last person you kissed
20— The last person you made a pinky promise to
21 — Someone that changed your life

Dear Monster,

I obsess. I constantly think about why you treat me the way that you do, even though I don’t want to be thinking about it because it just hurts too much. For a long time, I accepted it. I thought it was because that’s just who you are or because I didn’t deserve to be treated any better after all that happened. But then, a few months went by and I got back on my feet again, and it was then that I started to wonder and think and over think. If you care about someone, why would you treat them so badly? Why would you toy with their emotions and not care how they feel after the fire is put out? Now, the problem with this theory is that I’ve done it before. I’ve played with people’s emotions until I couldn’t anymore. So I know. But the thing was, I didn’t fully realize what I was doing until after, but while you’re doing it, you know what you’re doing. You know you’re hurting me. So why do you do it? I can’t figure it out.

I know there is a guy out there who will care for me in ways you probably never will, but for some reason, I’m still here. I’m still with you. Because I am holding onto this hope that one day, something will click in your head and you will finally, finally realize what you’re doing to me and change. Not change for me, but for yourself, so you understand that you can’t just go around treating people that way. We all have emotions and mine have been stomped on and thrown around, but I’ve seen glimpses of what I want and how I know you can be. That’s the thing – I know that side of you. Other people think I’m crazy for sticking around when they know how you treat me, but I’ve seen the other side, and I want that side. I want it. But is that enough? Is it enough to want something so badly, that I would do anything to get there? Is it worth all the pain? That, I haven’t figured out yet. And I’m hoping that I won’t have to because someday soon, maybe you’ll come around.

Until then, or the end of the road, I wish I could care a little less. Feel a little less. I told myself I’d be carefree and I tell everyone else it’s not serious, we’re just having fun, taking it one day at a time. But truth is, I’m not that kind of girl. I like things placed where they are supposed to be. I like to have things planned out. I don’t like surprises. Well, certain surprises that is. So, I’ll keep waiting and holding onto my hope, because that’s all I know how to do.

I love the view from up here

July 11, 2011 - Leave a Response

“Life’s too short to play games. If you love somebody and you want to be with them, then go get them. Deal with the mess later. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring.”
One Tree Hill

I get the whole “He’s the only guy i’ve ever really been in love with” part. It’s hard to let go, hard to move on to someone else and think you’ll never find anyone 
with such characteristics or chemistry like you two had, but I promise you, once you let go and move on, you’ll find out that, deep down, the only feelings you have for him might be just the fact that you’ll always love him. 
You may not want him back, you might just be scared to move on without him.

While I can’t have you, I long for you. I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I’d take a taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I’d wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say ‘Will you…’ my answer is ‘Yes’, before your sentence is out. I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you. For me, imagination and desire are very close.

Jeanette Winterson 

You have to get hurt. That’s how you learn. The strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest with a genuine smile, those are the people who have fought the toughest battles. Because they’ve decided that they’re not going to let anything hold them down, they’re showing the world who’s the boss.

Sometimes, I imagine life like a piano. The white keys represent happiness, while the black keys represent sadness. But as you go through life’s journey, remember that the black keys make music too.

Once you realize your past is just a story, it has no power over you.

I’m sorry sometimes I get a little jealous, thinking that someone else could make you happier than I could. I guess it’s my insecurities acting up. Because I know that I’m not the prettiest, smartest or most fun and exciting girl. But I know that no matter how hard and long you look, you’ll never find somebody that loves you like I do.

Are you proud?

June 30, 2011 - Leave a Response

Boy: I broke up with her.
His Best Friend: What happened?
Boy: She’s just too much for me.
His Best Friend: What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?
Boy: Well, for one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took forever to get dressed! So insecure..
His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeve and not think otherwise? I see..
Boy: Oh.. Well.. She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not to smoke, not to drink. She’s so clingy!
His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she cares about your well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing you. I see..
Boy: But.. Uhh.. Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightly mean. She can’t handle anything. She’s a crybaby!
His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see..
Boy: I.. Well! You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so annoying! I had to hide it from her so she wouldn’t bitch about it.
His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love only her. I see..
Boy: Well, she..
His Best Friend: You broke up with her because she’s good for you? She just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. Are you proud?
Boy: I broke her heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. What happened to me?
His Best Friend: You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what happened.

Pursuit of happiness

June 5, 2011 - Leave a Response

Call me crazy, but I still believe very much in untainted, unchanging, everlasting love. Despite the heartbreak and the disappointment that follows each mismatch, I’ve never failed to pick myself right back up to dive into yet another dream. It’s just I’ve seen rainbows without the rain. I’ve felt the ground shake as I’ve prayed. I’ve witnessed light shine from darkness, so I’ve concluded that true love must be out there, waiting for us.

Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. And most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong.

It’s that tragic story of a shallow boy, with the girl who sees way too much in him, the story of the boy who turned her down because she just wasn’t pretty enough, and the world spits in her face telling her she’s not good enough day after day, and everyday she paints on a smile and pretends she’s fine… it’s the story of my life.

Never expect, never assume, never ask and never demand. Just let it be. Because if it’s meant to be, it will happen the way you want things to be.

Hear me out for a minute, but I think that those who cheat go through the most mentally. Hate on me all you want for siding with the enemy, but here’s the reason. You cheat, and you lose the person for what you did. You spend every day grappling with what you did to ruin yourself and your heart. You know that you’re the reason behind it all, there’s no reason to hate on the other person. You commit the act and then you recognize your love, left wanting more with no reason not to. You never escape the guilt or love.

The most heartbreaking part of a breakup is that moment when you realize that all the dreams you had, all those visions you had being with this person disappears. Everything after that moment is moving on.
Taylor Swift

The future is scary, but you can’t just run back to the past because it’s familiar.

But I think, personally, that it would be worse to have been alone all that time. Sure, maybe I would have protected my heart from some things, but would that really have been better? To hold myself apart because I was too scared that something might not be forever?

I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.

That’s what I feel is love

May 22, 2011 - Leave a Response

Cory: Mom, Listen, I haven’t been together with Topanga
for twenty-two years, but we have been together for sixteen.
’Kay, that’s a lot longer than most couples have been together.
I mean, when we were born, you told me that we used to take
walks in our strollers together in the park. When we were two,
we were best friends, I mean, I, I knew everything about this girl.
I knew her favorite color. I knew her favorite food. Then we became
six, you know, and Eric made fun of me because it wasn’t cool
to have a best friend that was a girl or even know a girl, so for
the next seven years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those
”the lost years.” Then when I was thirteen, Mom, she put me up
against my locker and she kissed me. I mean, she gave me my first kiss.
She taught me how to dance. She was always talking about these
crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was
that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I’m
with her I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talk
to you like this. So that’s, that’s what I feel is love, Mom, when I’m
better because she’s here, and now she won’t be. So we’re finished.
Boy Meets World