I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy.
I want to appreciate the times when moments are made into memories. I want to embrace them, cherish them, and never forget that they come so few and far between. I know that wherever life takes me, these moments will always follow. They remind me of what’s truly important. It’s not just life, but living. It’s the journey, the destination, and all the points I see between.
I used to be so strong, I used to be able to do whatever I want, and then I feel like I’ve been broken down little by little. I don’t know what to do. I can’t have him talk to me like this anymore. I just want to be with someone who loves me so much. Okay, whatever, I do think I deserve to be a princess, I think that every girl deserves to be treated like a princess. But you treat me like crap. That’s not okay, that’s not an excuse. Like, I know what I have to do and I know what I want to do, but why can’t get I get there? I just don’t know what to do.
Guys who break up with you shouldn’t be allowed to give you compliments after they break up with you. It leads to hoping, and hoping is bad if there’s nothing to hope for.
Because sometimes it’s easier to say, “I hate you,” than “I miss you, I wish we didn’t fight; I wish you would call me sometimes.” Because sometimes, it’s easier to think, screw life, screw work, screw everything, than admit that you’re overwhelmed and feel like you’re drowning. Because sometimes, it’s easier to admit the simple things than say the hard things and realize how much you’ve been struggling and how much you feel as if life has gone out of your control.
You broke my heart, and you acted like it was somehow my fault. My misunderstanding. I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you. So I just punished myself.
We cling to music, to poems, to quotes, to writing, to art, because we desperately want to feel together. We want to know that we are not going crazy and that somewhere else out there, someone is feeling exactly what you are feeling. We love everything that is tied up neatly, easily, and simply but when we can not find that, it scares the hell out of us, to not know the next step, or where things are headed. Being unsure is never part of ourplan. But it’s those moments, the ones where you risk it and take a chance regardless of how vulnerable it makes us, that help us remember that life is larger than we’ll ever know.
“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect and I don’t live to be. But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.”